


Gasoline

by Purple_ducky00



Series: Ducky's Avenger fics [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, It Gets Better, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 11:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15411672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_ducky00/pseuds/Purple_ducky00
Summary: This is following the work "Unfaithful"





	Gasoline

**_GASOLINE_**  
_Are you insane like me, been in pain like me, bought a $100 bottle of champagne like me? Just to pour that @! $! # down the drain like me? Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me? Are you high enough without the MaryJane like me? Do you tear yourself apart to entertain like me? Do the people whisper about you on the train like me? Saying I just shouldn’t waste your pretty face like me?_  
Penny’s POV  
I think I cried the whole way to Malibu. Rhodey helped me bring the boxes in and asked if I wanted him to stay. I shook my head, rasping “No, I need to do this alone.” He pulled me into a hug and left once he knew I’d be ok.

As soon as he leaves, I open a bottle of… something expensive. It doesn’t matter anymore. As long as it numbs the pain. Why did James have to know? Why did he have to come out?

I probably have been sitting here for two hours, sobbing and drinking, I know- pathetic, when Tony calls me.

“Penny?” His face shows up on the screen.

“Oh hey, Tony.” I attempt a smile, but fail.

“Hey, El, how are you?”

I raise the bottle to the screen. “Just greaat. Why did he have to talk to me before I left? I would have been fine…” I start crying again. “I’m sorry- you dealt with this for far too long. I’ll just… hang up.”

“You better not, Penelope! I called to talk to you. I don’t care if you’re crying. You’re allowed to cry, you know.”

I sniff. “I know, but I’ve been doing it a lot lately.”

“Well. You can either sit there and cry, or you can get up, say ‘screw it and anything that tries to get in my way’ and get unpacked and comfortable. Then, hey, if you want another drink, you’re a big girl, get another drink.”

“You’re really ok with me drinking?” I ask in a small voice.

“Well, I wouldn’t recommend it.” He says. “But it’s your life, and if that’s how you want to cope, who am I to tell you it’s wrong. It’d be a little hypocritical, dontcha think?”

“No because you realized how bad it was and changed. Just passing along wisdom, ya know?”

He smiles. “Just get better, ok? Love ya.”

“Love you, too, bestieee.” I finger gun him. “Alllright. I’m gonna- gonna say screw it and all that.”

“Alright. You do that.” He laughs. “Call me if you need me.”  
+++++++++++  
Bucky’s POV  
I hate my life. I can’t even get drunk. Why? Oh yea, stupid Hydra. After drinking half a bottle of vodka, and realizing that it was doing nothing, I dump the rest down the drain and leave the tower. I get on the subway to go back to my childhood home- just to see if it would do anything for me- you know how people say stuff like that or whatever. I am careful to hide my left arm, but people still recognize me. I hear a few people whispering, and several people have gotten up. I guess they’re getting out of my way if I snap. If I didn’t feel so terribly, I’d find this funny, but nah, today, only pain and sadness.

I think I heard a collective sigh of relief when I stepped off the subway.

I don’t remember much about my house- or Steve’s for that matter. I walk through the streets of Brooklyn, but stuff looks different now. I stop past a pizza shop – Steve’s been raving about Brooklyn pizza. The kid was freaked. I guess this is why they don’t like me leaving the tower.

It all feels like a bad dream.

 _+++×××××××××+++_  
_And all the people say, “You can’t wake up. This is not a dream . You’re part of a machine. You are not a human being. With your face all made up, living on the screen. You’re part of a machine so you run on gasoline. I think there’s a fault in my code. These voices won’t leave me alone. My heart is gold and my hands are… cold._  
Penny’s POV  
Well, James was on the news yesterday. Apparently, he was out and about, and people are now having heated discussions about whether he should be able to go out by himself or not. I can’t even go onto social media without seeing something. So I keep my phone off… unless Tony’s calling me. Sam and Rhodey have called several times, but I have been kind of ignoring them. I don’t want them to see me like this.

I’ve had a few visits from Thor, Loki, and their friend Brunhilde. She likes to drink, too. Between her and me, I think the alcohol industry is flourishing. Loki likes her, but won’t admit it. He almost stabbed me when I brought it up, but Thor gently reminded him that he and Tony wouldn’t be very happy with that. I personally would have welcomed it. Might be good to feel something. I’m feeling like a machine. Wake, drink, drink, talk to Tony, drink, sleep, repeat.

  
Three months have gone by, and I’m really not doing much better. Crap! Just dropped a beer. Let me get paper towel. I go to take a step, but slip on the wet floor beneath me. It’s cold…

 _++++++++++++++_  
_Are you deranged like me? Are you strange like me? Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me? Do you call yourself a @×!! $ hurricane like me? Pointing fingers cuz you’ll never take the blame like me? And all the people say you can’t wake up, this is not a dream. You’re part of a machine- you are not a human being. With your face all made up living on a screen. You’re low on self-esteem so you run on gasoline. I think there’s a fault in my code. These voices won't leave me alone. My heart is gold and my hands are... cold_.  
Bucky’s POV  
So apparently I’m a masochist. All I want to do is hear her voice, see her… even though it’s killing me to do so. Once, I copied Clint and went through the vents to Tony’s shop when I knew he’d be calling her.

“Hey, Ellie. What’s up?” He’d said.

“Bottoms up!” She’d bitterly laughed. “I’m fine, really. I just… see his face everywhere and it’s too much. I really loved him, Tones, I really did. What am I supposed to do now?”

“Wait until you’re ready to date again. Hey, why not date Thor? I don’t think he’d be opposed to it.”

Oh Thor better not…. Wait, it’s not for me to say anymore…

“I don’t think I’ll be ready to. Ever.” She’d sniffed.

Tony had replied quickly. “Don’t say that, Penelope!”

“It’s true, Anthony. You know how you just know when you’re with someone? He was my happy ending, but I apparently wasn’t his.”

I quietly moved through the vents to my room, biting my hand to keep from sobbing. “Penny. You were my happy ending. I just screwed it up. I had thought. I don’t even know what I was thinking. You deserve better.

Now, I’m sitting in the kitchen when I hear a commotion in the living room.

“Rhodey, have you talked to Penny recently?” Tony sounds upset.

“No why?”

“I’ve tried to call her several times and she hasn’t answered. Then I had FRIDAY do a scan of the house and she’s not there.” He is really worried.

“Maybe she’s hooking up.” Scott says noncommittally.

Rhodey levels him with a withered glare. “Yea, you don’t really know her, do you?”

I get up and go out to the quinjet. I’m going out to her. I have a bad feeling about this. I start up the jet and fly west.

Meanwhile, at the Tower~~~  
“Was that the jet?” Sam looks out the window.

“Bucky!” Bruce runs in the room. “Bucky just flew away in the quinjet. Did something trigger him?”

“I thought he was trigger-free.” Rhodey looks at Bruce.

“He overheard us and is going out to see if Penny’s ok.” Tony says. “FRIDAY, assemble my suit.”

“Tony, your leg.” Rhodey admonishes.

“Don’t care. I’m going. You’re welcome to come.”  
+++++++×××++++  
Bucky’s POV  
I make it to Malibu in record time. The door’s unlocked. Does Penny have any self-preservation instincts at all? I find her on the second story kitchen floor, bleeding and freezing cold. I pull my t-shirt off, leaving a muscle shirt on underneath. I wet it and hold it to the cut on her forehead. Her hand is bleeding, too. I see a towel within reach, which I wrap around her hand.

She stirs. “Ja- James. What are you-?” Her head falls back.

“Penny, I need you to stay awake, ok? Look at me.”

She does, her eyes filling with tears.

“I’m sorry it had to be me, honey, but right now I’m all you have. Want me to keep talking?”

“Mm-hmm” was her reply. I’m going to take that as a yes. I wrack my brain for something to talk about.

“Do you know Wakanda has a vibranium shield covering the heart of it? It’s so awesome. And Shuri’s lab, it’s in the mine! So she can just get whatever she needs. And the trains…” I talk on and on until I hear the door slam open.

“Penny?” Tony sounds panicked.

She tries to sit up, but is too weak.

“In here, Tony.” I call. He steps in to see her head in my lap, wrapped in my outer shirt. Her hand is wrapped up in a towel.

“Ell, are you ok?”

“I think so.” She mumbles. “Hurts tho.”

“Course it does- it’s a head wound.” Tony replies. “Let’s get you into bed.” He picks up her feet, nodding to me to pick up her shoulders. When she’s settled, he puts a pillow under her knees.

“She probably wants me to go, so I’ll just…” I wave my hand towards the door. She smiles feebly at me.  
+++++++++++++++  
Penny’s POV  
A cold wet thing on my head wakes me up. I see James, in a muscle shirt, cradling my head. Am I dreaming?

“Ja- James. What are you-?” I try to sit up, but my head falls back.

“Penny, I need you to stay awake, ok? Look at me.” His voice sounds so panicked that my eyes snap right up at him. Why does he have to be so pretty? My eyes tear up. I must have a concussion.

“I’m sorry it had to be me, honey, but right now I’m all you have. Want me to keep talking?” He asks.

“Mmmhmm” And don’t ever stop….

“Do you know Wakanda has a vibranium shield covering the heart of it? It’s so awesome. And Shuri’s lab, it’s in the mine! So she can just get whatever she needs. And the trains…” He goes on and on about Wakanda, with his face lit up.

The door slams. “Penny?” Hallelujah! Tony’s here.

James sighs. “In here, Tony.”

Tony walks in, eyes taking in the scene before him. “Ell, are you ok?”

“I think so. Hurts tho.” I mumble.

“Course it does. It’s a head wound.” He tells me. “Let’s get you into bed.” He and James carry me into bed. When I’m settled, James backs away.

“She probably wants me to go, so I’ll just…” He waves his hand towards the door and retreats.

I smile weakly at him, not trusting my voice to say thank you.

Tony sits on the side of the bed beside me. “I was so scared, Pen, I didn’t know what to do. You wouldn’t answer…”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper. “I need to stop. I need to.”

“Shuri told me she had technology to help cure addictions. It’s like…”

I cut him off right there. “Tony, no. I can’t -then I’ll be addicted to that thing. I have to do it the old-fashioned way. But… I think I should move back, even if it’s to an apartment close by.”

“No. You’re coming back with me. The Council gave the Rogue Avengers clearance to live elsewhere as long as they check in regularly. Wanda and Vision are in Scotland. Steve and Natasha are on missions assigned to them by the council. You can come home.”

I open my arms for a hug, which he leans into. “I can go home.” I say.

Rhodey walks in. “Hey Penny, are you ok?” When I nod, he turns to Tony. “You didn’t tell me you were updating my suit.”

Tony looks sheepish. “I kind of forgot, too. I was all panicked.”

“I’m sorry.” I speak up.

“Don’t apologize. Not your fault. And it’s ok to have people care for you and worry about you.” Rhodey cuts me off.

They sit and talk with me until Friday finally gives me the ok to sleep. As they walk out, I hear Rhodey say “So I saw Barnes when I got in here…” before I drifted off.  
++++++++++++  
Bucky’s POV  
“So I saw Barnes when I got in here…” I hear the Colonel say to Tony.

“Yea. He saved her life. If he hadn’t been there, she might not have been alive when I got here. She had lost a lot of blood, and would have lost more. I can’t bear to think…” Tony breaks off at that.

Rhodes places a hand on his arm. “Don’t do that Tone. She’s ok. Let’s just be happy for that.”

“I know I just hope that Barnes doesn’t try to lord it over her…”

“I won’t.” I step into the room. “Because she doesn’t owe me anything. Saving her life will never compare to the ones I took. I may be a monster, but I’d never do that…” My voice breaks.

“James, listen, don’t… You know that was Hydra, not you…” Tony starts.

“That’s what they tell me.” I huff. “You said she’s going home. I’ll be out by the time she gets back.”  
Tony looks at me for a long time. “Thank you.” He finally says.  
++++++++++  
Bucky’s POV  
It takes a week for Penny to be ready to return to the tower. I don’t have much stuff anyway, but I take my time moving out. Tony got me an apartment-not too close, but not in the middle of nowhere. It’s nice- not like the ratty one I had in Bucharest. What I also love about it is that it’s right by Central Park. I could spend all day in there, just meditating or watching the performers.

And, not to sound like a creep, but Penny now has Tony and Pepper go on walks with her through the park. If I’m there, I make myself unseen. I don’t need to be an unpleasant reminder, but I do like to see how she’s doing.

Steve and Natalia are still away on a mission, but Sam keeps me updated. He said he’s actually going over to help them- apparently they ran into a little difficulty and could use eyes in the sky. Which reminds me, Clint went back to his family, vowing to stay retired.

After a month, I decide I need a change of scenery. So I call Shuri and ask if her offer to visit Wakanda still stands. She immediately tells me yes and sends over a jet to pick me up. I’m going to Wakanda.

 


End file.
